Went for 2 weeks of group activities at IMH. Twice weekly with other people who have OCD in their lives. It should be a good place to make friends but well, some of them don’t seem open to making friends and those that are open.. well let’s just say it will take time.
I feel so alone. So isolated. I tried to make friends but somehow something is lacking.
So before these 2 weeks, I dont leave my house except for psychotherapy appt. I avoid going out unless necessary as I think it’s cleaner and less troublesome to be at home. Need not shower as many times if I stay at home. So its good that I went out. Last week, I realised Im really bored with mg life and I need something new. Reckoned that work will be the start of something new. But yet last Saturday, quarreled with mother and my emotions and low moods got the better of me for a few days. Just dont feel like doing anything at all. Largely very depressive. So now i am out of that rut.
Supposed to apply for jobs and stuff but I am just too lazy.
What am I living for? Desperate as it may seem, hope for a day whereby i am in a relationship with someone who likes me for who i am. Well, i have no money and no titles anyway. I mean, for her to accept me with mt past mistakes. Many a time, have been overlooked, ignored and rejected when I tried to get to know females better.
Why so desperate for female company? Well I’d think most people want to get married. I am 27. An age whereby probably 1 third of the population is married or at least in a serious relationship. The desire for a partner is greater for me as I grew up without feeling loved by my parents. Neglect has made it difficult for me to trust others, even my own mother at times. It’s difficult for me to form bonds too. So some weird developmental psychology desire ends up hankering for romantic company since thete wasn’t much love from my parents. Tears flow down now. This issue still tugs at my heartstrings. Still affected by it. Haiz… I’d thought I have come to terms with it.
And the next thing that I live for is to be self satisfied. When people ask me about job, about how am I… i want to answer that i am at peace. … in a job that i enjoy and at peace with life… which brings me to the points of wanting to be more responsible and hardworking.
Like it or not, I am a man even though I may feel like I am unworthy. Still feel like a child. So what is a man supposed to be like? Jungian psychology archetypes are Magician, Warrior, Lover, King. I dont know much about it but it sounds so cool. Back in the day, men have to hunt for food and build shelters and start fires and ride horses.
I am interested to learn krav maga. Self-defense is an important skill. Want to look fit and have more energy. When I got to above 82kg, a slight uphill walk left me feeling out of breath. Realistic target to be 82kg. Currently 93kg. That means I have to consciously eat lesser. I eat emotionally sometimes and I eat a lot more because one normal meal portion isn’t full. Exercise will help too. 2x week of playing ball and muscle building exercises.
Okay I have rambled on for quite a bit. I need to change my life to be less miserable.
As a record, i stopped at Lucifer S2E8. Now Riverdale is brightening up my life. And I am catching up on the superhero movies n series I missed. I always wanted to be a superhero but i got realistic and just wanna save myself and the people who are important to me. My mother and my future partner. I am bettering myself for u. Whoever u may be, wherever you are, this is partly for u. I dont need to be soem special superhero, my definition of success is different from others. In view of all the obstacles I faced and face, being functional is considered success to me.
Asher and Aiden have this angelic perspective of me. Uncle Shaun who loves them and likes to play with them. Talk to them. Care for them. Cheer them up. Encourage them. They dont know about the struggles I faced and face. The mistakes I made and my current failures. Aiden thinks I will go to Heaven. His gut feel tells him so. I dont want to let down their image of me. Another incentive to overcome the mental illness and obstacles.