April 25 Wed 1133pm

Went for 2 weeks of group activities at IMH. Twice weekly with other people who have OCD in their lives. It should be a good place to make friends but well, some of them don’t seem open to making friends and those that are open.. well let’s just say it will take time.

I feel so alone. So isolated. I tried to make friends but somehow something is lacking.

So before these 2 weeks, I dont leave my house except for psychotherapy appt. I avoid going out unless necessary as I think it’s cleaner and less troublesome to be at home. Need not shower as many times if I stay at home. So its good that I went out. Last week, I realised Im really bored with mg life and I need something new. Reckoned that work will be the start of something new. But yet last Saturday, quarreled with mother and my emotions and low moods got the better of me for a few days. Just dont feel like doing anything at all. Largely very depressive. So now i am out of that rut.

Supposed to apply for jobs and stuff but I am just too lazy.

What am I living for? Desperate as it may seem, hope for a day whereby i am in a relationship with someone who likes me for who i am. Well, i have no money and no titles anyway. I mean, for her to accept me with mt past mistakes. Many a time, have been overlooked, ignored and rejected when I tried to get to know females better.

Why so desperate for female company? Well I’d think most people want to get married. I am 27. An age whereby probably 1 third of the population is married or at least in a serious relationship. The desire for a partner is greater for me as I grew up without feeling loved by my parents. Neglect has made it difficult for me to trust others, even my own mother at times. It’s difficult for me to form bonds too. So some weird developmental psychology desire ends up hankering for romantic company since thete wasn’t much love from my parents. Tears flow down now. This issue still tugs at my heartstrings. Still affected by it. Haiz… I’d thought I have come to terms with it.

And the next thing that I live for is to be self satisfied. When people ask me about job, about how am I… i want to answer that i am at peace. … in a job that i enjoy and at peace with life… which brings me to the points of wanting to be more responsible and hardworking.

Like it or not, I am a man even though I may feel like I am unworthy. Still feel like a child. So what is a man supposed to be like? Jungian psychology archetypes are Magician, Warrior, Lover, King. I dont know much about it but it sounds so cool. Back in the day, men have to hunt for food and build shelters and start fires and ride horses.

I am interested to learn krav maga. Self-defense is an important skill. Want to look fit and have more energy. When I got to above 82kg, a slight uphill walk left me feeling out of breath. Realistic target to be 82kg. Currently 93kg. That means I have to consciously eat lesser. I eat emotionally sometimes and I eat a lot more because one normal meal portion isn’t full. Exercise will help too. 2x week of playing ball and muscle building exercises.

Okay I have rambled on for quite a bit. I need to change my life to be less miserable.

As a record, i stopped at Lucifer S2E8. Now Riverdale is brightening up my life. And I am catching up on the superhero movies n series I missed. I always wanted to be a superhero but i got realistic and just wanna save myself and the people who are important to me. My mother and my future partner. I am bettering myself for u. Whoever u may be, wherever you are, this is partly for u. I dont need to be soem special superhero, my definition of success is different from others. In view of all the obstacles I faced and face, being functional is considered success to me.

Asher and Aiden have this angelic perspective of me. Uncle Shaun who loves them and likes to play with them. Talk to them. Care for them. Cheer them up. Encourage them. They dont know about the struggles I faced and face. The mistakes I made and my current failures. Aiden thinks I will go to Heaven. His gut feel tells him so. I dont want to let down their image of me. Another incentive to overcome the mental illness and obstacles.

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Here I am again

Decided to blog as a carthartic release. Might have misspelled that word. Doesnt really matter. The point gets across.

Well spent 10 months suffering or so. And a additional 6 months trying to make peace and function better after the past 10 months before that Still evoke negative feelings of pain. Long to be understood and to have someone acknowledge that I have suffered and to comfort me. It seems weak but I guess it is part of beung human. But i dont have anyone around to kinda do that for me. So i gotta be strong and do it for myself. I have done it but its a continual process. You have indeed suffered Shaun my friend. You are going to be allright Shaun. You can overcome those dark months. Those dark months in 2014 threatened your sanity so much but still you managed to get over them. Maybe it took 3 years but still you did it Shaun. Man i am in deep pain and i just want to get out of it. I dont know why i want someone to understand me. Fuck these mental illnesses. They have taken so much from me and have contributed greatly to my 2 incarcerations. Such is my lot in life oh God. Where are you in my times of need? In humanity’s time of need? U have stayed silent so much so that I just lost hope that u will ever be good to me.

I am 20 fucking 7 now. My life is nowhere that I want it to be. But i am rebuilding it and i have been making progress. Its a marathon and so i gotta do it slow and steady and not speed it up and crash n burn n get stuck. Done that too many times in the past.

I can only trust myself fully. Yes i can trust others but not fully. Trusting others also allows them to hurt me. Perhaps i am just too jaded about humanity. About society. Not to victimise myself, but my situation can be attributed to society failing me. I know society doesnt owe me anything but it has failed me before. Since there is no obligation for society to do anything, i cant fault society.

But the pain i suffered. Words just cant describe it.

There will come a day when i will be at ease with myself and go to sleep content instead of sitting down here feeling so discontent and kinda empty…

Much like Rei in Altered Carbon, i understand why she did what she did. Hopefully i wont be blinded by it and cross the line i set for myself. No more unlawful activities. And do no harm. So Shaun I am sorry I cant start up an escort agency, though it’s legal and i am not involved in any sexual encounters that take place between my employees and the clients but i think it will cause psychological harm at least to the employees who do engage in paid sexual activities.

With my criminal and national service exemption record, it’s going to be hard for me to get a job that doesnt involve F&B or retail. I have a few options. Online journalist or teaching English in Vietnam/Cambodia for 2 years and then moving back here to teach.

I need to take it one step at a time. Life still sucks balls but it is getting better.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Moving forward

http://www.businessinsider.com/a-lesson-about-happiness-from-a-holocaust-survivor-2014-10?IR=T&

I shared this on FB. Meaning leads to happiness. I want to help my mother live more comfortably. I also derive meaning from being a joy to others. My 2 favourite boys may not know the full extent of my love towards them. And I also want to be a better boyfriend in future. To whoever my future girlfriend may be, I want to be better equipped to support you.

Thus, for now, what I find meaningful in life is to earn money, do housework, and to lose weight and build a muscular body. That will open up doors in future.

Starting on a new job selling accounting software. Though it isn’t easy, it can lead to an increase in income if I work hard. I am sure that if I approach 100 companies, one will buy.

Next year, hopefully my mother can have an easier job. With her CPF withdrawal and my earnings, it should be good. I believe my life will be a lot better about one year from now. Shall work hard towards it.

Cold calling every weekday morning, working out thrice a week for the first month and then increasing it to 4 times per week. My short term goal is 3 mths. Hope to earn 6k and to lose 12kg.

May my name be linked to accounting. My company provides accounting services and accounting software. A referral fee of 10 to 20% is up for grabs if anyone refers a company to me.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Back to the grind

Of insomnia. Boredom.

After being rejected from interviews and the like, just decided to not try for them anymore. Rejection stings.

My mom’s decreased cognition can be hard to accept but I have to. There is no other way.. Which reminds me of a saying i once disliked but agreed. ‘The only way is through.’

But now, with more experience and wisdom, i realised that tough experiences can improve us. I cant look to anyone being able to help me with it. No one should be there to make me feel better, it is me against the world kinda feeling.

Still trying to sort this theory that happiness is a state of mind thingy out. So to put theory into practise, i just got to have no expectations for my mom’s cognition. So that i wont be disappointed, upset or irritated. I got to accept it that whatever she thinks is the truth is her truth. No point explaining to her cos it ultimately wont make a stinking difference. Just only serves to piss me. Ah fuck, i hate adulthood. But too bad, i gotta embrace the suck. Like all things in life, if i think of it positively, it will turn out more so.

Like if i think that this blogpost helps to make me feel better, it will! cathartic indeed. A weight lifted off my chest. I just need to devote myself to the things i am interested in which can benefit others. Then i wont feel so miserable. In fact now, even as i plan out interesting activities to do, i just dont feel like going ahead cos i think that it is boring somehow. Or not interesting enough. A bit hard to express myself about this.

So onto my research on philosophy of religion, won’t it be sad if there indeed is no Heaven? A life on earth spent looking forward to Heaven but ultimately when people discover there indeed aint such a thing. I hope to be proven wrong and really know for sure that Heaven exists. but we can never be sure.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Shows & movies to catch up on

Shows-
The Originals S2E2
TVD S5E8
Arrow S2E14
H50 S3E1
Teen Wolf S3E11
Suits S2E9
The Last Ship S1E2
The Tomorrow People S1E2

The Flash

Movies-
Seal team 8
Paranoia
Amazing Spiderman 2

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Personal Statement

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Shaun and am very interested to pursue this degree. I sense a calling to work in the mental health sector. I aspire to be a case manager or a rehabilitation counsellor after I graduate. These are the only jobs that accept graduates with degrees that do not encompass clinical sessions. However, I also plan to undertake a post-graduate diploma in counselling to be a certified counsellor after I graduate. I will very much prefer to work with children with BPD or depression because I believe that if I had undergone therapy when I was a child, my childhood could be much more bearable. I wanted to apply during the last intake when non-relevant diplomas were accepted entry, but was deterred because of unforeseen circumstances. Money was one such factor. 

 

My first formal counselling session took place when I was 12 and I had been seeing a myriad of different therapists ever since. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January 2011, and both borderline and narcissistic personality disorders in September 2013. They are all co-morbid disorders. However, I had been living with these disorders for a really long time and my first depressive episode occurred eight years into my life. Things started getting worse when I was 11 when my parents divorced and it has been downhill ever since. As you can see, things could have ended up much better for me if I were diagnosed and had sought treatment earlier. However, I did not have much parental guidance and was very much independent. I feel that the childhood studies modules can really add much value to me.

 

I would have yielded to suicide long ago if not for psychotherapy and social support. The general public is very much mistaken about mental health and I desire to be part of the change. With my personal experiences, I believe I can make a difference in others’ lives by being an empathetic listener and sharing helpful strategies. I believe God allowed me to experience all these negativity for a greater purpose; to be able to help others in their struggles. I plan to base my dissertation on treatment and prevention of borderline personality disorder and depression. The main factors are childhood abuse, neglect, rejection and abandonment. Thank you so much for your time in your consideration. I want you to know that I personally appreciate it a lot. 

 

Yours Sincerely

Shaun

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Short release of thoughts

In lib studying for real estate exams. With 2 uni friends frm cg. They uber hardworking n effective! Should give it my all, seeing I wna be an agent. But it just doesnt seem interesting enuff. Its not my first love. My first loves in career choices are counselling and skydiving.

But i really feel tt God has led me to have a career in real estate, at least on a short term basis. Kinda lazy to type the reasons why i feel he has led me here. But i really need to put in more effort!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment