Moving forward

http://www.businessinsider.com/a-lesson-about-happiness-from-a-holocaust-survivor-2014-10?IR=T&

I shared this on FB. Meaning leads to happiness. I want to help my mother live more comfortably. I also derive meaning from being a joy to others. My 2 favourite boys may not know the full extent of my love towards them. And I also want to be a better boyfriend in future. To whoever my future girlfriend may be, I want to be better equipped to support you.

Thus, for now, what I find meaningful in life is to earn money, do housework, and to lose weight and build a muscular body. That will open up doors in future.

Starting on a new job selling accounting software. Though it isn’t easy, it can lead to an increase in income if I work hard. I am sure that if I approach 100 companies, one will buy.

Next year, hopefully my mother can have an easier job. With her CPF withdrawal and my earnings, it should be good. I believe my life will be a lot better about one year from now. Shall work hard towards it.

Cold calling every weekday morning, working out thrice a week for the first month and then increasing it to 4 times per week. My short term goal is 3 mths. Hope to earn 6k and to lose 12kg.

May my name be linked to accounting. My company provides accounting services and accounting software. A referral fee of 10 to 20% is up for grabs if anyone refers a company to me.

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Back to the grind

Of insomnia. Boredom.

After being rejected from interviews and the like, just decided to not try for them anymore. Rejection stings.

My mom’s decreased cognition can be hard to accept but I have to. There is no other way.. Which reminds me of a saying i once disliked but agreed. ‘The only way is through.’

But now, with more experience and wisdom, i realised that tough experiences can improve us. I cant look to anyone being able to help me with it. No one should be there to make me feel better, it is me against the world kinda feeling.

Still trying to sort this theory that happiness is a state of mind thingy out. So to put theory into practise, i just got to have no expectations for my mom’s cognition. So that i wont be disappointed, upset or irritated. I got to accept it that whatever she thinks is the truth is her truth. No point explaining to her cos it ultimately wont make a stinking difference. Just only serves to piss me. Ah fuck, i hate adulthood. But too bad, i gotta embrace the suck. Like all things in life, if i think of it positively, it will turn out more so.

Like if i think that this blogpost helps to make me feel better, it will! cathartic indeed. A weight lifted off my chest. I just need to devote myself to the things i am interested in which can benefit others. Then i wont feel so miserable. In fact now, even as i plan out interesting activities to do, i just dont feel like going ahead cos i think that it is boring somehow. Or not interesting enough. A bit hard to express myself about this.

So onto my research on philosophy of religion, won’t it be sad if there indeed is no Heaven? A life on earth spent looking forward to Heaven but ultimately when people discover there indeed aint such a thing. I hope to be proven wrong and really know for sure that Heaven exists. but we can never be sure.

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Shows & movies to catch up on

Shows-
The Originals S2E2
TVD S5E8
Arrow S2E14
H50 S3E1
Teen Wolf S3E11
Suits S2E9
The Last Ship S1E2
The Tomorrow People S1E2

The Flash

Movies-
Seal team 8
Paranoia
Amazing Spiderman 2

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Personal Statement

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Shaun and am very interested to pursue this degree. I sense a calling to work in the mental health sector. I aspire to be a case manager or a rehabilitation counsellor after I graduate. These are the only jobs that accept graduates with degrees that do not encompass clinical sessions. However, I also plan to undertake a post-graduate diploma in counselling to be a certified counsellor after I graduate. I will very much prefer to work with children with BPD or depression because I believe that if I had undergone therapy when I was a child, my childhood could be much more bearable. I wanted to apply during the last intake when non-relevant diplomas were accepted entry, but was deterred because of unforeseen circumstances. Money was one such factor. 

 

My first formal counselling session took place when I was 12 and I had been seeing a myriad of different therapists ever since. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January 2011, and both borderline and narcissistic personality disorders in September 2013. They are all co-morbid disorders. However, I had been living with these disorders for a really long time and my first depressive episode occurred eight years into my life. Things started getting worse when I was 11 when my parents divorced and it has been downhill ever since. As you can see, things could have ended up much better for me if I were diagnosed and had sought treatment earlier. However, I did not have much parental guidance and was very much independent. I feel that the childhood studies modules can really add much value to me.

 

I would have yielded to suicide long ago if not for psychotherapy and social support. The general public is very much mistaken about mental health and I desire to be part of the change. With my personal experiences, I believe I can make a difference in others’ lives by being an empathetic listener and sharing helpful strategies. I believe God allowed me to experience all these negativity for a greater purpose; to be able to help others in their struggles. I plan to base my dissertation on treatment and prevention of borderline personality disorder and depression. The main factors are childhood abuse, neglect, rejection and abandonment. Thank you so much for your time in your consideration. I want you to know that I personally appreciate it a lot. 

 

Yours Sincerely

Shaun

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Short release of thoughts

In lib studying for real estate exams. With 2 uni friends frm cg. They uber hardworking n effective! Should give it my all, seeing I wna be an agent. But it just doesnt seem interesting enuff. Its not my first love. My first loves in career choices are counselling and skydiving.

But i really feel tt God has led me to have a career in real estate, at least on a short term basis. Kinda lazy to type the reasons why i feel he has led me here. But i really need to put in more effort!

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Fear

Dear WordPress,

I am fearful. I do not know why I am in fear. I fear that I will take my life if things dont improve. I am overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts.

I feel lonely, unwanted by friends. I think I cannot connect with people around me, however hard I try. i think only my mom wholeheartedly cares about me. I am living cos my mom doesnt want me to die. But i believe that if i take my life, i will be reunited with God in Heaven. No more suffering.

What keeps me alive now is drama shows. Arrow. The tomorrow people. The originals. The vampire diaries. The recruit diaries. But even then, anhedonia sets in… Very soon, these cannot sustain me.

Sincerely yours
Shaun

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I may be a sick bastard. But at least I’m honest.

But hey, I am a real bastard. In the literal sense. Haha and I am sick. To lessen the pain from the breakup and the rejection I faced from some of my friends who have abandoned me, even that time with Alex, I have resorted to watching shows about prostitutes or as the owner of the cathouse calls them “working girls”. Cathouse is a documentary about the brothel. It’s really interesting to know more about the unknown. I guess we humans are naturally curious about the unknown. Hey I am not condemning anyone but the show showed a mom bringing her 22 yr old son(hey tt’s my age, nah my mom aint tt open) to lose his v. A guy who cross dresses and describes himself as a lesbian in a guy’s body and married couples who do it with working girls. 

I also watched a drama about working girls called Satisfaction and I used to watch a few epi of The Secret Diary of A Call Girl. One might ask, “Where is God in all these?” He’s right beside me, watching. I know it’s wrong to do so but desperate times call for desperate measures. I am a broken person. Chip off the shoulder. Damaged and messed up under the surface. Now, no one will want to be my life partner I suppose. Oh well, not to be negative but I guess it’s somewhat true. I don’t know if after I recover from depression n manage to cope with my pd better, will I find a partner? Maybe if she has a mental disorder too. Actually, it will be better if she has a mental disorder, then we can understand each other well. Though my heart longs for someone now but I know now is my season to be single and to reclaim myself. I will not make the same mistake my old flame made. 

 

I have allowed myself enough time to grief. It has been about 7 mths since 5th Feb. Though I personally think it’s pointless to even spend time feeling sad(it hurts damn a lot too), but I don’t know which is psychologically better; to push the feelings away and think of something positive or to let the mind naturally heals as it grieves?

Jeslin. if you still read this, which I doubt you would. But secretly hope you would. I wish you all the best in life ahead and give you my blessings. I believe I have made that clear in my msgs to u. 

Please God let me win 1000bucks on the 28th of Sep when the contest ends. I wna get bk my 300plus dollars n buy a electric bicycle so that I can ride to and fro from church n cell grp/dg. Preferably ride to work too. 

 

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